Big Man’s Bad Date Adventure #1, Part II

This is the continuation from part I, the following won’t make sense unless you read that one first.  Then again it still doesn’t make sense to me and I was there.

Where did we leave off?  Oh yes, I was in the midst of ignoring obvious red flags because a certain smaller anatomical area had hijacked the brain and was off on a selfish mission of  conquest.

Should I have taken her somewhat paranoid, delusional statements as a hint?  Does the fact that I used “somewhat” in the last sentence tell you anything at all?  Yes, I’m defensive.  So what if I’m trying to minimize my hormones impact on this debacle?

And the restaurant wasn’t so bad once I got past the nutty bits.  Have you ever heard of anyone spending FIFTEEN DOLLARS on a sushi date?  Well you have now… SERIOUSLY!  $11 on a rainbow roll, $2.50 for her Diet Coke… she had 2 bites of the roll then said she was full!  Gave ’em a $20 and didn’t ask for change back.  Girl thought I was the man.

I was reeling her in, had her crazy ass just where I wanted her!

…or so I thought  😦

We followed the sushi with an impromptu drive through the canyons to Pacific Coast Highway.  She didn’t know about D’angelo nor Maxwell… best believe I remedied that right quick!  Pulled over at Malibu Sport Fishing Pier, grabbed a blanket out the back of me trusty 4Runner and headed to the sand.

It was about 11PM on moonless February or March night, WAY too warm for that time of the year.  Played around on a lifeguard tower, girl was a decent kisser, nothing inappropriate.  Played it cool, hung out for awhile, dropped her back at her car and called it a night…

Too bad the story didn’t end there.  Sigh…

We got together for lunch a few days later at a Natural Cafe (think Cali hippy health food if you’re unfamiliar), were standing in line catching up on our respective weeks when she hit me with a question:

“So… do you have anything to tell me?”

I smiled.  “Nope, not that I know of.”

Girl was looking cute, changed the voice up to match.  “Come on, you can tell meeee.”

Whoa… chick is serious.  Think Big Man, think… must be missing something obvious.  GOT IT!  

I grinned, played along in my own cute voice.  “I know what you’re talking about.  No one came to ask questions about you, I didn’t notice any unfamiliar cars following me, and I didn’t find some sort of GPS device attached to my truck!”  Gave her a wink and a nudge, went back to checking the healthy menu out.

“No seriously… you can tell me.”

The following is a close approximation of how my face must have looked at that moment:

 


I mean, really… what do you say when you realize someone is thirteen muffins short of a baker’s dozen?  I’m a good guy, firm believer in allowing someone to save face.  There was no saving this situation, though.  Check it out…

“I did tell you, none of those things happened.”

Girl was undeterred.  “You’re so cute.  Really… tell me.  Go ahead, what happened?”  Batted her eyelashes and shit…

At this point my penis said, Where did you find this chick?  She’s NUTS!”  Relinquished the controls to my brain and left me to clean up his (figurative) mess.

Oh yeah, back to my so-called romantic life.

“I already told you what happened.”

She leaned back, looked me up and down.  Said the following in the must condescending tone she could muster:

“I understand.  Some people have a problem being honest.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?  (Yes, I did a full-on ‘Lil Jon in the middle of the story, or I’m taking artistic liberties and busting out some revisionist history.)  Okay, check this out… if you ask me a question and I give you an answer that makes you think I didn’t understand, ask again but maybe phrase it differently.  If I give the exact same answer to your second question, don’t ask it a third time or make some smug comment that passively says that you don’t believe me, cause what you’re saying is that you think I’m a liar, and that’s just gonna piss me off!  You see, don’t question my veracity because that’s something I take very seriously.  I’m one of those people who will tell you the truth in such a straight up manner that I send you home crying to your mother.  You can call me many things, but don’t call me dishonest.  And right now?  You’re getting on my nerves!”

Yes, I did say that.  Not word-for-word but close (cut me some slack, it was five years ago).  Yes, we were still in line waiting to order.  Yes, the people in front of and behind us were quite entertained and then scared when the big black man started going off a little on this short Persian-looking chick.

No, I had no interest in the booty and was no longer blinded.  I could see again!

Gotta give her credit though, she kept her cool… check it, HELL NO I ain’t giving her credit, girl was insane.  She didn’t know what the hell was going on.

And she ate a lot more food than on the first date, too.  Ordered a half-salad, the greedy wench!  Girl was gold-digging compared to the sushi date… I spent $10 on her schizophrenic ass that second date!  😉

We sit out on the patio and wait for our order, damned if I know why I hung around to eat because the vibe was all messed up.  Tables were close like in the orgasm restaurant scene from “When Harry Met Sally”, there was an old man sitting less than two feet from us at the next table.  Dude was across from me, next to her, reading a newspaper.  I went into half-Eddie Murphy “Delirious, half-Samuel L Jackson rant.  Yeah… the black in me came out.  Yes… I vented my frustration at all the crazy I put up with only not to have sex with her.

“…and what kind of person asks a sushi chef how many calories are in a single piece of sushi?  Did you really think that was normal?  You’ve been single for a long time haven’t you?  …liar!  Let me ask you again, you can tell me the truth.  Really (eyes batting), how many guys have dumped you before the third date?!?”

Girl had a Stepford smile on her face, don’t know to this day how that old man kept from laughing.

I finished eating, got up and left her there (food was prepaid, I ain’t that cold).  Didn’t call her, she didn’t call me.  Took about 3 years before I saw her at the gym again (because I changed my schedule!)

And then she turned up in the capstone class for my business degree!  Sat off to the side and behind me every class she showed up to that quarter so I could see her at the edge of my peripheral vision.  My friends cracked jokes every single night she was there…

I told my daughters the story as we were out running errands, and Arie hit me with something so funny that she and Taryn still clown me with it to this day.

She would have been in 7th grade, Taryn in 8th… very mature kids.  They couldn’t believe a woman could be so unstable yet initially appear normal.  And then Arie yelled,

“DAD, WATCH OUT… THERE’S SOMEONE UP IN THAT TREE!”

I heard her panic, reacted by getting into some sort of frenetic, defensive position.  Stared up into the tree we had just passed…

Damned children were pointing and laughing hysterically at me!  And then I had to laugh with em… shit was funny, and I was proud cause I knew that sense of humor was from my side of the gene pool!

And the moral to the story?  There is no moral to the story:  I just didn’t feel like working on my real story today.  That’s cause I worked on it this past weekend!

18 chapters, 506 pages, 84,109 words.

Wait, the morals just came to me:

Don’t ignore red flags on a date, and don’t let the little head think for the big head.

And they all (the two heads) lived happily ever after.

The End!

 

PS  And if you think I’m lying, hopefully my boy Big Ray will step up and vouch… he met her at the gym while we were working out one Saturday!

 

 

 

 

 

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10 responses to “Big Man’s Bad Date Adventure #1, Part II

  1. I’m vouchin’ Big Sean and I do have to admit I was surprised she was psycho. She didn’t appear to be the type, but you never know right??? LOL! This is such a great story, keep ’em coming!

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