I planned on keeping this one to myself. That was the plan. But throwing a poem out there with no explanation is kinda “bleh”.
“Hey, here’s my new blog… care about the novel I’ve almost finished even though most of you haven’t seen any of it… here’s a concert review about a band you might not care about and a couple of poems sans introduction or explanation about the self-created hell I was going through so that you too might be able to relate and go ‘pssh, been there!'”
I ain’t that arrogant. Well…
And so much for keeping this one to myself.
There are times I wish I was that person with a poker face and if you know me in-passing it’s obvious that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Better still, I have one of those big personalities so I end up sucking all the fun and sunshine out of the room when I’m depressed or have something on my mind. I usually just stay away from folks and focus on something else…
Like writing. After all, it’s cheaper than therapy. No, it is therapy!
Being so flipping sensitive and emotional, traits that annoy me to no end yet at the same time it’s part of what makes my writing “pop”: I’ll get butt-naked and bloody on a page in a heartbeat if that’s how I feel on a given day. It’s just the way I’m wired cause I can tell you right now, whatever you might think about me I’ve already thought 10x worse.
Unfortunately I did something that has sent me on a self-loathing spin because I don’t do it very often… I’ve worked my ASS off to not be that cat:
I hurt a friend I really care about… on some bullshit. Didn’t scream and shout, call names… past all that, thank goodness (which only means that I hurt their feelings in a more “mature, enlightened, sophisticated” manner… whatever, same end result).
I was in the midst of trying to work things out when The Voices threw this at me… maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t… I HATE it when I’m not at my best and on top of my game cause I’ve worked my ASS off to be someone I can look in the mirror and like and it damned sure didn’t come easy.
Now excuse me while I go back to grovelling… hopefully this great friend still wants to be my friend.
And now, self-loathing!
Too Close to Home
I don’t know but I’ve been told
An immature man has a selfish soul
Lacking the peace that only comes in time
Hurts those he says he loves, won’t apologize
Path of least resistance, just a waste of time
Little boy became skilled at telling lies
Teenager once loved but now despised
Little lonely old man and then he dies
Never took the time to recognize
All he had to do was recognize
See? Short and sweet… tomorrow’s a new day. I’ll forgive myself by then, day after at the latest.
Copyright Sean N Thompson 2011