Focus eludes me like she borrowed money, can’t repay on schedule and is too embarrassed to admit it. She won’t return my calls… I saw her duck behind a car and hide after I turned a corner yesterday. It isn’t all on her, though. Truth be told, I’m not trying hard enough. I’m supposed to be focused on my story but I’m scattered as all get out, a veritable hot mess.
…cut me some slack, I speak two languages: English (barely) and “ghetto country”!
I know what’s causing it and I feel comfortable admitting that I’m scared of where life is heading. I’m happy with my path for only the second time ever and this time it doesn’t require two guitarists, a bassist, and an insecure singer. I’m becoming a decent writer, haven’t felt this creative satisfaction since I played music back in the mid-90’s.
I’ve always fought fear of success, though… felt as if it wasn’t supposed to happen for me but I’m fighting it. I’ve worked my butt off for my kids, my boring accounting career, as a drummer, and now as a writer.
I still have collection agencies calling for all manner of reasons (being unemployed for a stupid-long stretch will make you lots of friends you never wanted nor asked for), gonna have to file for bankruptcy at some point. Do I feel like less of a person because of it? I did before, but not now. I’ve been through a rough patch and might be on the other side of the storm, now. Life is looking up and I feel blessed.
But I must be disciplined! It’s officially Wednesday morning and I’ve only written about 500 words since going back to work about ten days ago. I learned how to create during my darkest times but now I have to (re)learn how to do it when life is going well.
Most significantly, I have to learn how to create during the early evening hours. I’m nocturnal by nature, born at 10:50pm… that’s when I would begin to think about the section to be worked on that night. Midnight would roll around and I would stop goofing off on the laptop, begin to get my mind “right”. I would be in the zone by 2:00am, usually wouldn’t fall out of it until I passed out between 6:00 and 7:00am. Would sometimes fire off 2,000 words without realizing it.
Now? I leave work at 4:02pm and am home by 4:30 if desired. I cook dinner, hang out with my roommates, catch up with the kids (oops, “young adults”!), watch television. I’ve planned on settling in at 8:00pm every night but it hasn’t happened yet… I allow things to distract me. I had such a good groove going… it’s frustrating!
Life has taught me to balance my frustrations against the areas that are going well, hope that the pros outweigh the cons. I’m blessed to own a surplus at the moment, it was a huge deficit less than a month ago. I’m complaining that I’m not writing as much as I would like to but I’m once again an adult who can afford to feed and clothe himself, and that has to count for something.
The writing hasn’t gone anywhere, gotta learn to create during the day time is all, thank goodness I’m close to the finish. I still want it badly, no way I’m quitting.
18 chapters, 478 pages, 80,102 words.